Title: That’s What You Get, Folks, For Makin’ Whoopee

A 1929 Song by Eddie Cantor that’s been covered many times by the likes of Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra. The song was also featured in an episode of Bunheads, another Amy Sherman-Palladino classic that was cut too short. It’s one of my favorite dances in that series. Here’s a video.

Summary: Loralei and Rory visit crazy Asia. Lane’s sick with a 9-month parasite. Kirk opens Kirk’s. Liz and TJ are into White Russians. Luke is fine.

LORELAI: But then I asked myself, “W.W.T.B.F.C.D.?” And it came to me in a flash. “I’m gonna make waffles.” RORY: “What would the Barefoot Contessa do?”

The Barefoot Contessa a.k.a. Ina Garten. A friend to all, cooking-challenged and non. Did you know Ina was a former White House nuclear policy analyst for Nixon? Weird world we live in.

ZACH: The whole trip was a total fiasco. It was the Stones at Altamont times a billion.

The Rolling Stones give a free concert for 300,000 of their closest friends. It did not go well. Four people died (!!!) and the situation was so fucked that the Grateful Dead refused to perform because of the violence. They say Hell’s Angels were hired for security but the Angels deny ever agreeing to police the crowd, they just wanted the free beer. Altamont is referred to as the end of the hippie era. Footage of the madness is included in the documentary Gimme Shelter. For more on the Hells Angels, or on the end of the hippie era, check out Hunter S. Thompson’s novel Hells Angels and his book of letters Fear and Loathing in America. Shameless plug for my fave author.

ZACH: I got some parasite, and I’ve been barfing Linda Blair style ever since.

The Exorcist, puking, backwards heads. Yuck. Linda Blair played the possessed Regan in 1970’s The Exorcist. And probably regrets it unless she likes having no friends because they are scared she might actually be possessed.

For a GG tie-in, she had a guest spot on Supernatural, the post-Gilmore home of Jared Padalecki.

LANE: I stared at Pedro’s poster of Spuds McKenzie hanging 20.

A fictional dog who loved surfing and Bud Light. A true bro of the new millennium, just a couple decades early. Some uppity temperance folks tried to get the dog banned, saying Anheuser was trying to appeal to kids to get them hooked on BL from an early age. Hogwash. (Sips a frosty Bud Light, in a Bud Light coozie, next to my bull terrier named Spuds wearing a Bud Light t-shirt.)

LANE: We decided to re-create the scene in “From Here To Eternity.”

Sex on the Beach. Not just an embarrassing drink for 21 runs. The film premiered in 1953 and starred Donna Reed, of That Damn Donna Reed fame. (See Season 1, Episode 14 for more on Donna Reed.) Army soldiers are stationed in Hawaii right before the Pearl Harbor attack.Burt Lancaster and and Deborah Kerr do it on the beach, pretty racy for 1953. Rumor is they practiced that scene off camera too. Why not?

T.J.: You know the Hockettes, the ice-skating girls? They’re amazing. They do everything the Rockettes do, only they do it with ice skates on.

T.J. would love the Hockettes, and the Rockettes for that matter. This one doesn’t need much explaining. It appears they exist only in Ann Arbor, Michigan and their website looks like it was last updated in 2002.

RORY: Oddly, you have a poster of Sandra Oh.

Sandra Oh, the patron saint of girlfriend relationships. She starred in Tammy with Melissa McCarthy, but we’ll always know her as Sookie.

LORELAI: That will be followed by an educational video, which includes, but is not limited to –

“Bridge On The River Kwai”
A 1957 epic war film about British POWs in Burma in WWII. It stars William Holden as an American sent to blow-up a bridge built by the POWs.  You might remember Lorelai declaring her love for him in Season 2, Episode 13 – LORELAI: So I’ve decided I’m saving myself for William Holden. RORY: Wow, it’s nice out here in left field.

“The Joy Luck Club”
Amy Tan’s classic novel and subsequent film about mother-daughter bonds across generations. Fitting for our Gilmore girls, especially Emily and Lorelai.

“Karate Kid”
A Lorelai favorite. The deliciously quotable 1984 film starred Ralph Macchio and spawned 3 sequels and a 2010 remake. Wax on, wax off, Daniel-San.

“Shanghai Surprise”
1986 film starring newly-married Sean Penn and Madonna as they try to find some opium to steal in Shanghai. Sean Penn also sells glow-in-the-dark neckties, how industrious.

The Bruce Lee classic “Enter the Dragon”
Bruce Lee’s final film, released 6 days after his death. It kicked off the “kung-fu kraze” in America, and is included in the National Film Registry for it’s cultural/historical significance. Some also argue it had undertones and themes of decolonization and Black Power.

The Tom Selleck classic “Mr. Baseball”
Mr. Mustache as Mr. Baseball in this 1992 comedy. A NY Yankee gets traded to the Chunichi Dragons in Japanese, and after some brawling and bad behavior leads his team to win the pennant. A real feel-good movie.

and/or “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”
Lorelai includes this one because of Mickey Rooney’s terribly racist performance as Holly Golightly’s Japanese landlord. “Mrs. Gorightry!”

LORELAI: People make mistakes. I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow dyed her hair that dark brown. It was very unflattering.

Poor Gwyneth Paltrow, her hair did look terrible brown. But she has done worse since then with the “conscious uncoupling” and Goop.

RORY: If you’re heartbroken, rent “An Affair to Remember,” have a good cry, and drown your sorrows in a pint of ice cream.

Another 1957 film, starring the swooney Cary Grant. Sleepless in Seattle borrowed some of the story elements from this film, specifically the meetings at the Empire State Building.

RORY: Very Madonna in her British-mommy phase.

Madonna, the cultural chameleon. In 2000 she married Guy Ritchie and they had a son, Rocco. They split a few years later but Madonna got a British accent out of it at least.

RORY: Even Gwyneth Paltrow makes mistakes, like “Shallow Hal” and that other movie that nobody saw where she played a stewardess.

Poor Gwyneth, again. Shallow Hal was terrible with Jack Black. And the other movie is View from the Top, which currently holds a 14% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Gwyneth herself even said it was terrible in a 2012 interview. It was supposed to be released right after 9/11 but the studio held it back because f the light portrayal of flight attendants. Probably why no one saw it.

The epic list of bad mom/baby names:

RORY: Britney Spears does not know which end of a baby goes up

Britney Spears was a criminally bad mom in her early years. She famously drove with her son in her lap, and nearly dropped him once (that we know of). She’s better now and her kids turned out pretty cute.

And Courtney Love? She’s no June Cleaver.

Oh man, Courtney Love was a terrible mom. It’s amazing little Frances Bean survived.  In 2015 she admitted to using heroin while pregnant. Shocker, I think we already knew that.

June Cleaver, the quintessential American mom of the 50s. Wally and the Beaver had a little better role models than poor Frances.

And Michael Jackson – you know not to name a child Blanket.

Never name your child after an inanimate object. Especially not something us uncatchy as Blanket. Here’s Michael dangling Blanket off a balcony. Normal.

LANE: I wonder if um Blanket ever met Tom and Katie’s baby, Pillow.

This one’s a little weird. Apparently the rumor is Katie Holmes pregnancy with Suri was not as it seemed, but instead had a pillow under her clothes late in her pregnancy. Suri is actually Katie’s baby with Chris Klein since they had just broken up before she got with Tom Cruise.  Or she could have hooked up with him once or twice after getting with Tom. I would. The timing does seem weird, and their relationship was certainly weird. With Scientology involved, I wouldn’t be surprised. Just glad she got away from that creep.

RORY: They could invite Gwyneth’s Apple over afterward for a little snack.

Awww little Apple is cute, I don’t hate that name. 

LANE: Banjo, Rachel Griffiths’ baby, could play for them.

Could be worse, Banjo isn’t too bad.

RORY: And then they could all jump in Mia Farrow’s Satchel and make fun of, uh… what’s his face?

Satchel wisely goes by his middle name, Ronan now. He’s a lawyer now and I don’t think anyone could take him seriously as Satchel. Some people on the internet think he’s secretly Frank Sinatra’s son. I see it…?

LANE: Oh, Pilot Inspektor Lee.

Jason Lee’s son who he must hate to give him such an unfortunate name. You can do better Lane Kim.

T.J.: Don’t underestimate me, Luke. I read. And I watch “Battlestar Galactica.”

Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. Somehow I don’t imagine Dwight Schrute and TJ being able to bond over their love for Battlestar Galactica. The original series aired in 1978-1980 but was remade/revived in 2003. There are also a number of books, comics, and games in the franchise. Nerds.

LIZ: It was like that movie with, um, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.

TJ thinks she means Speed at first, which is hilarious. But Liz means The Lake House, where Keanu and Sandra fall in love via love letters even though they live in the same house 2 years apart. They are blessed with a hole in the space-time continuum but they waste it on this movie? Sad.