Title: Kill Me Now

Is it the hat? The golfing? The incestuous twin wedding? Emily’s veiled attempts at manipulation? The whose-boobs-are-bigger argument? Whatever it is – Kill Me Now seems like an appropriate phrase for this episode.

Summary: Rory has to pick a “Team Sport”. Richard takes her to the Club. Lorelai is in a Double Mint commercial for a creepy twin wedding, while her potential collects dust. Michel is afraid of the swans but more afraid of Drella. Kirk is still pretending to be not-Kirk. Rory wears a stupid hat. We meet the “most odious woman alive”.

Side note: this episode was directed by Adam Nimoy – Spock’s son himself! Adam is actually married to actress Terry Farrell who played one of the main characters on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, though she never acted alongside Nimoy Sr.

RICHARD: Physical fitness is as important as intellectual fitness. So says Plato and so say I.

This isn’t really a pop culture reference but I wanted to find the Plato text Richard is referring to here. In his Republic, Plato writes “Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it” and “the two elements for which some god has given mankind two arts – one musical and poetic, the other physical – seem to be not the mind and the body, or only incidentally, but the spirited part of their nature and the philosophical part, so that these can be brought into harmony…” For philosophers like Plato and Aristotle, physical fitness wasn’t just a health issue but one of morals and virtue.

EMILY: Of course it’s about me. If Rory goes and has a good time without you, then I win. LORELAI: OK, Bob Barker.COME ON DOWN! YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!

Bob Barker was the host of everyone’s favorite daytime game show to watch when you’re home sick from school – The Price is Right! Bob had these great suits, the whitest hair you have ever seen, skin tanner than Donald Trump, and a thing for neutering your pets.
He also had this army of models on the show he called the Barker’s Beauties. Oh, the old days when hyper-sexualization of women was considered fun! He served as host from 1972 until his retirement in 2007, replaced by Drew Carey of all people. It actually works though, but no one will ever be Bob Barker.

LORELAI: Ooh, I’d rather get my face surgically altered to look like that lunatic rich lady with the lion head than go to the club with you.

This one took some digging since this is a pretty vague reference. But once you see it, you can never forget it. She’s referring to Jocelyn Wildenstein, a Swiss-born American socialite known for her extensive cosmetic surgery. The rumor is that she spent upwards of $4 million in plastic surgery, giving her an unnatural cat-like appearance. She once claimed it was to impress her ex-husband who had a fondness for cats. Seriously concerned for this woman! But she is apparently happy with her results, one magazine reporting that she’s “ecstatic with her work. She feels beautiful. She looks in the mirror and she loves what she sees. She got exactly what she wanted.” Are you ready to see? Last chance to look away!

Yes… that hurts my face just looking at her. But I’m happy she’s happy!

LORELAI: Why don’t you go up to your room and have a fabulous bubble bath and I’ll send up some wine and a masseuse who bears a remarkable resemblance to Antonio Banderas.

Ahhhhh Antonio Banderas. Let his rugged good looks cleanse your palate of what you just saw. Look at Antonio – Now back to me – Look again,  Antonio is now made of diamonds. Okay, that’s a reference for another time. Seriously, back to our man Antonio.  

Antonio Banderas (or actually José Antonio Domínguez Bandera) is a Spanish-born actor who came to the US in 1990 at the invitation of Madonna. He spoke little English and had to learn his lines phonetically during his first few US films, but received great acclaim for his convincing performances none-the-less. He’s also one major babe. My Antonio Banderas crush started with The Mask of Zorro, which I’m sure is not uncommon for my age. But he has also starred in some heavy hitters including Interview with the Vampire and Philadelphia, plus ya-know some stuff like Shrek and Spy Kids. What can I say – he is versatile! And I am still waiting for his People‘s Sexiest Man Alive cover. It’s a tragedy that Nick Nolte has won this award and Antonio has not. BRB – writing a letter to People Magazine.

MICHEL: To me, you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon.

This is a never-used-too-often reference. And rather than explain it – I’ll just let you watch it. You can view a short 15 second clip here.

This sound is usually used for any adult speaking in the Peanuts cartoons, indicating that adults really don’t have much to add of value. HA! This was so relatable as a kid watching these cartoons. Apparently, this came about while creating the You’re in Love, Charlie Brown feature in 1967. The classroom scene included teacher interactions but they decided to replace it with what adults sound like to kids. So they consulted the composer for the cartoon, Vince Guaraldi, and he suggested a trombone player. Perfect! They’ve used the trombone sound for every Peanuts cartoon or movie ever since.

LORELAI: It’s like a really snooty DoubleMint commercial.

DoubleMint gum (best mint flavor… for 3 minutes) became ubiquitous in part because of their clever advertising campaigns featuring twins, starting in 1939. That’s a log running gag! They even hired twins as spokesmodels. From 1959, the original “Doublemint Twins” were 21-year-old Jayne and Joan Boyd who appeared in advertisements for Doublemint, until 1963 when Joan became pregnant. Then they cycled through dozens of other twins, including Tia and Tamara Mowry of Sister, Sister fame, and the Williams sisters – ya know, the HRHs of tennis.

RORY: Am I dressed OK? I didn’t have any of those short pant things.

Knickerbockers? Is that what she means? I’m glad she didn’t show up to the Gilmore house looking straight out of pre-WWI New York. Interestingly, boys before puberty wore Knickerbockers (pants that hit around the knees) and it was something of a big deal when they could “graduate” to long trousers. Normal, right? Knickerbockers, or some form of them, are still used in many sports today including baseball and American football. Golfers have a particular version called Plus Fours because they extend four inches past the knee. They aren’t too popular these days. But in 2008 André Benjamin of Outkast did include a version in his Benjamin Bixby clothing line. Yea, he lost money on that.

EMILY Here you go. Now you look just like Tiger Woods.

Oh, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. What a fall from grace he has had. Interesting looking back on this knowing that Emily Gilmore had a wildly different impression of him than we all do now. In 2000 when this first aired, Tiger Woods (real name Eldrick Tont Woods) had just won the US Open by a record 15 strokes. That’s nuts. Golf courses even had to “Tiger-proof” by adding extra yardage to each hole, to try to prevent Tiger from automatically winning every time. He holds 17 Guinness World Records including Most US PGA Tour tournament wins in the modern era, Lowest score under par in the Open golf championships, and Highest earnings ever for an athlete (kind of the most important, IMO). He’s widely regarded as one of the best golfers of all time and is credited for making the sport popular again in the mainstream during the late 90s – early 00s. He has probably inspired many future golfers to take up the sport, especially people of color. Tiger himself is of Thai, Chinese, Dutch, and African-American descent.

But, fast-forward to the late 2000s and Tiger was marred with scandal after scandal. He married Swedish supermodel Elin Nordgren in 2004, but in 2009 rumors spread that he was having extramarital affairs. Tow days after that news hit the tabloids, Tiger crashed his car outside his house at 2:30am, and the media had a field day. By the end of that year, more than a dozen women had claimed to have an affair with Tiger and he admitted to these “transgressions” of infidelity and took some time off from golf. Yikes. He had a comeback to golf in 2012-2013, winning 8 majors, but he suffered multiple back injuries leading to surgery in 2015. Then shit hit the fan again, and he was arrested for DUI in 2017 for drinking on prescription drugs – probably related to his back surgery. Poor Tiger. I think he is ripe for another comeback though. Maybe this will be his year!

(That’s probably more than you ever needed to know about Tiger Woods)

RICHARD: Yes. Did you know the merger of Forscape and DSS happened right here on this lawn?

Damn, they tricked me. I thought this was an actual business reference but I guess they couldn’t use real companies right? Anyway, I included it so you wouldn’t have to go looking for answers only to get tricked too.

RICHARD: Now, what do you know about golf? RORY: That it’s a good walk spoiled?

“Golf is a good walk spoiled” is a quote often attributed to Mark Twain, but some digging by the people over at Quote Investigators have debunked that theory. The earliest use of this phrase is 1903 in a book about lawn tennis. The author mentions his friends the Allens saying something like “to play golf is to spoil an otherwise enjoyable walk.” But it was given different attributions over the years including William Gladstone and Henry Leon Wilson (who? yeah…). I’m guessing it’s one of those things that’s lost to the history.

LORELAI: Oh no — not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery ‘N Sync kind of fiasco?

The men who need no introduction. The teens who launched a thousand crushes. I always thought that NSYNC came first but turns out that Chris Kirkpatrick was bummed about not making the cut for the Backstreet Boys and went to famous producer (and now we know, huge fraudster) Lou Pearleman to make a new boy band. Lou wanted to cash in on the boy band craze so Chris grabbed his friend Joey Fatone. Lou remembered Justin Timberlake from The Mickey Mouse Club, then Justin called up his friend JC Chavez, and he called his friend Jason Galasso. NSYNC comes from JustiN, ChriS, JoeY, JasoN, and JC. But Jason dropped out soon after and they found Lance Bass, nicknaming him Lansten so they could keep the name. Whatever dudes. The rest is history. The group did eventually break up in 2002 and some went solo – giving us the Justin Timberlake we know and love today. But I’m still holding out hope for a reunion tour. 

DRELLA: Hey, Pepe le Pew, you wanna give me a hand with this?

Pepe Le Pew is the ladies man of the Warner Bros movie. A French striped skunk, Pepe is always in search of love, not unlike Michel. But Pepe has a different vibe about him – less surly Frenchman, more suave Sean Connery-as-James bond type. Pepe’s storylines usually involve him trying to win the affection of a black cat named Penelope that he has mistaken for a skunk. She always rebuffs him mostly due to his odor and aggressive advances, but he keeps trying. Ugh, take a hint man.

RICHARD: It’s Peyton Place. Is there more?

Richard could be referring to the novel, film, or primetime Soap Opera all of the same name and relatively similar storyline. The series, which I’m guessing is what he was referring to since it was the most popular of the three, aired from 1964 to 1969 and was set in a Massachusetts upper-crust town – relatable to the Gilmores and their social set, I think. It launched the careers of actors like Mia Farrow and Ryan O’Neal (husband to Farrah Fawcett). The show dealt with typically dramatic topics we’ve come to expect from primetime Soaps because as it turns out this wealthy town is just a complicated web of extramarital affairs, shady business deals, scandals, even murder. Juicy!

MRS. SHALES: Jackie wants Samuel Barber, John Cage, and Philip Glass and Jessica wants Shania Twain’s “I Feel Like a Woman.”

Samuel Barber was an American composer of orchestral and Opera music, most famous for his 1936 work Adagio for Strings.

John Cage was another American composer who was much more avant-garde and influential in the creation of Modern Dance. He is best known for his 1952 work 4’33” which was made without deliberate sound, meaning the musicians simply sat there for the duration of time stated by the title.

Philip Glass is an American composer who is widely considered one of the most influential musicians of the 20th century. He has composed operas, symphonies, concertos, and even film scores. His style is minimalist and usually heavily features the piano. So sounds like Jackie has a little class.

But Jessica, on the other hand, could use a little culture. I don’t have anything against Shania Twain or this particular song, but how is this wedding appropriate?? Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” became an instant female anthem when it was released in 1999 because of its empowerment lyrics and fun, instantly-recognizable guitar riff.

LORELAI: Oh, sure. What book was it? RORY: “Mencken’s Chrestomathy” LORELAI: Oh, that one.

Mencken’s Chrestomathy was a collection of H.L. Mencken’s best works, from his books to his newspaper and magazine pieces, and even some unpublished notes. H.L. Mencken was an American journalist, satirist, and cultural critic known as the “Sage of Baltimore.”

BABETTE: Yeah. He must’ve been meowin’ for an hour but Morey was playing some Thelonious on the Steinway and when Morey plays I go into this trance where all I can see is blue and moon and stars —

Oh Babette, I feel you – jazz makes me all loopy too. She is referring to Morey playing jazz legend Thelonious Monk on their Steinway piano. Thelonious Sphere Monk was a jazz performer and composer known for his unique improvisational style both in music and in his performance. He would sometimes get up from the piano during the middle of a song to do a little dance or engage with the audience. He is the second-most-recorded jazz composer after Duke Ellington.

RORY: That Madonna and Sean Penn should get remarried?

Actor Sean Penn (may I call you Spiccoli? S3E7) met pop star Madonna in February 1985 and they were married by that August. He was fresh off his Fast Times at Ridgemont High fame and she had just released the iconic Like A Virgin album and performance at the 1984 MTV Music Awards in full wedding-chic.

But their love was doomed from the start and they weren’t meant to be. Their relationship was marred by violet outburst against the media, which led Penn to be jailed for a month after assaulting a photographer that was following the couple. Rumors of violence in their marriage also spread. Madonna even filed assault charges against Penn saying he beat her in their home, but she dropped the charges and said in 2015 that the allegations were “completely outrageous, malicious, reckless, and false.” The couple divorced in 1987 and since then, they have both had more partners than I can count.

MRS. SHALES: Oh, thank you. Sister Sledge! Excuse me.

We are family, I’ve got all my sisters with me! The classic wedding track that has transcended the generations. Sister Sledge is a musical group consisting of sisters Debbie, Joni, Kim and Kathy Sledge. “We are Family” is by far their most well-known song, released in 1979. Lorelai references Sister Sledge in Season 3 Episode 2, remarking how family is always tough even for Sister Sledge.

EMILY: How nice. I’ll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer.

I thought Emily was referring to boxed wine here, and I thought I saw the reference somewhere but now I can’t find it. I suppose she could be referring to Cheer, the laundry detergent but why would she keep it in her kitchen? Maybe she means Cheerwine, the specialty soft drink brand sold only in the south. If you happen to know, will you post a comment?